What I want

I've been thinking a lot lately about exactly what I want in life. As far as career and education I've pretty much got that figured out. Where I found myself a little lost is in the area of a relationship and the lifestyle.

Obviously I want to fall in love and be loved and all that mushy shit that every girl wants. The big question is how does the lifestyle fit into all of this.

I'm a masochist, an edge player, I like breath play, I like it when he makes me bleed, I love staples and needles and fire and bruises. Sometimes people mistake this for me not liking the softer side of things.

The thing is, the softer side of the lifestyle that sensual side is what I've been missing. However it's not something I want from just anybody. I want a Master who will cuddle with me and treat me as his pet.

I had a hard time coming to terms with this because every dom I ever talked to about this thought I was looking for a Daddy. I'M NOT! I in no way shape or form am needing a daddy. I have a dad and I'm rather indifferent when it comes to him. I haven't seen him since I was 16. Why would I go looking for that dynamic in my sexual relationships? For those that are seeking that it works it just doesn't work for me. I finally realized just a few weeks ago that while I may not want to be someones "little girl" I desperately want to be someones pet. A pet that is loved and cherished but trained to please her master. I'm not really even referring to puppy play or anything like that (though I'm not against a collar and a leash hehe). I just think that pet describes perfectly the softer side of what I seek in the lifestyle.

I think I've just had a hard time finding someone that encompasses both aspects (the rougher masochistic side and the softer pet side) of who I am in the lifestyle and so all my relationships and partnerships have been miserable failures. Some would suggest multiple partners but I can tell you that simply isn't for me. I have a jealous streak about 10 miles wide and the thought of me sharing a man is awful and I could never ask two partners to share me. Scening with more than one partner is cool but the idea of having a committed relationship with more than one person sends shivers up my spine. I applaud those with the ability to do it, I simply can't.

Anyway this is some of what has been weighing on my mind the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I'll ever find exactly what I'm looking for but I don't plan on settling for something less than what I seek.