I've been thinking a lot lately about exactly what I want in life. As far as career and education I've pretty much got that figured out. Where I found myself a little lost is in the area of a relationship and the lifestyle.
Obviously I want to fall in love and be loved and all that mushy shit that every girl wants. The big question is how does the lifestyle fit into all of this.
I'm a masochist, an edge player, I like breath play, I like it when he makes me bleed, I love staples and needles and fire and bruises. Sometimes people mistake this for me not liking the softer side of things.
The thing is, the softer side of the lifestyle that sensual side is what I've been missing. However it's not something I want from just anybody. I want a Master who will cuddle with me and treat me as his pet.
I had a hard time coming to terms with this because every dom I ever talked to about this thought I was looking for a Daddy. I'M NOT! I in no way shape or form am needing a daddy. I have a dad and I'm rather indifferent when it comes to him. I haven't seen him since I was 16. Why would I go looking for that dynamic in my sexual relationships? For those that are seeking that it works it just doesn't work for me. I finally realized just a few weeks ago that while I may not want to be someones "little girl" I desperately want to be someones pet. A pet that is loved and cherished but trained to please her master. I'm not really even referring to puppy play or anything like that (though I'm not against a collar and a leash hehe). I just think that pet describes perfectly the softer side of what I seek in the lifestyle.
I think I've just had a hard time finding someone that encompasses both aspects (the rougher masochistic side and the softer pet side) of who I am in the lifestyle and so all my relationships and partnerships have been miserable failures. Some would suggest multiple partners but I can tell you that simply isn't for me. I have a jealous streak about 10 miles wide and the thought of me sharing a man is awful and I could never ask two partners to share me. Scening with more than one partner is cool but the idea of having a committed relationship with more than one person sends shivers up my spine. I applaud those with the ability to do it, I simply can't.
Anyway this is some of what has been weighing on my mind the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I'll ever find exactly what I'm looking for but I don't plan on settling for something less than what I seek.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Long day
It's been a long day! Went to a beautiful wedding for some dear friends though! Just wanted to post and say hello before I head to bed. Hope everyone had a lovely day!
Staples
Staples
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sad Face :(
So, my corset came today and I was super excited. I laced it up and tried it on IT WAS TOO BIG!!! :( I was planning on wearing it out this weekend but unless I wear it with a shirt underneath there is no way it will look right and my boobs would be popping out all night. At fetish events it wouldn't be a problem but it's not really a fetish event plus that's not how a corset is suppose to fit! I also have to lace it up to the point that there is absolutely no gap in the back in order to get it even remotely tight on my waste. I can't decide if I need to go down one or two sizes to get the right fit. I guess I gotta find something else to wear.
On a happier note, I did get one of my pairs of shoes in today and they are super sexy. I likes them ALOT!
So anyway I guess I gotta wait another week or so to get my corset. I guess it's ok as long as I have it by the time Kinky Kollege comes around.
Oh I also bought my staple gun today too! My personal toy bag is coming along nicely.
On a happier note, I did get one of my pairs of shoes in today and they are super sexy. I likes them ALOT!
So anyway I guess I gotta wait another week or so to get my corset. I guess it's ok as long as I have it by the time Kinky Kollege comes around.
Oh I also bought my staple gun today too! My personal toy bag is coming along nicely.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Sixty Days!
The countdown to my cruise has begun!
It is officially 60 days until we set sail!
In November me, my mom, and sister will be going on a cruise. It has been years since we have gotten to do something as a family because we all lead such different and busy lives. We are all super stoked about it.
Anyway, don't be suprised if I post a lot about the cruise lol. I'm gonna get more and more excited as time goes by!
It is officially 60 days until we set sail!
In November me, my mom, and sister will be going on a cruise. It has been years since we have gotten to do something as a family because we all lead such different and busy lives. We are all super stoked about it.
Anyway, don't be suprised if I post a lot about the cruise lol. I'm gonna get more and more excited as time goes by!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I did it!
So,
I finally got up the nerve and have made the decision to attend Kinky Kollege this year! I just booked my flight and paid for my registration. Now I just need to book my room and we will be all set. I'm a little nervouse but overall I am incredibly super duper excited!!! Not real sure about the whole going alone thing but even if I don't find a roommate I'm gonna go. It will be fun and I'll learn a lot I'm sure!
talk to y'all laterz
Staples
I finally got up the nerve and have made the decision to attend Kinky Kollege this year! I just booked my flight and paid for my registration. Now I just need to book my room and we will be all set. I'm a little nervouse but overall I am incredibly super duper excited!!! Not real sure about the whole going alone thing but even if I don't find a roommate I'm gonna go. It will be fun and I'll learn a lot I'm sure!
talk to y'all laterz
Staples
Blah :(
So I really do not feel good today. It's just your typical cold with a stuffy nose, sore throat, headache that sort of thing. If I weren't so tired I could handle it but I have not slept well the past few nights. Oh well, I've decided not to go to class tonight so maybe I can catch up on some sleep.
Anyway I just wanted to say hello since I said I would post something. I got confirmation that my needles shipped as well as my corset and one of the pairs of heels I ordered. I went a little nuts witht he whole online shopping thing the last few days. Thankfully once or twice a year I can afford to do that.
On another note, I think I'm gonna get to go to Kinky Kollege in Chicago this year. I'll have to go alone more than likely but thats ok. I decided I'm tired of waiting until I have a partner to do things like this. I have tried to go to a few other kink related weekend events but they always fall on weekends I'm too busy to go. Kinky Kollege just seems to have fallen on the perfect weekend for me.
Anyway I may not be going to class but thanks to the wonders of online teaching I still gotta participate in the discussion we've been having so I'm gonna read a bit and hope I don't fall asleep while doing so.
Talk to y'all later
Staples
Anyway I just wanted to say hello since I said I would post something. I got confirmation that my needles shipped as well as my corset and one of the pairs of heels I ordered. I went a little nuts witht he whole online shopping thing the last few days. Thankfully once or twice a year I can afford to do that.
On another note, I think I'm gonna get to go to Kinky Kollege in Chicago this year. I'll have to go alone more than likely but thats ok. I decided I'm tired of waiting until I have a partner to do things like this. I have tried to go to a few other kink related weekend events but they always fall on weekends I'm too busy to go. Kinky Kollege just seems to have fallen on the perfect weekend for me.
Anyway I may not be going to class but thanks to the wonders of online teaching I still gotta participate in the discussion we've been having so I'm gonna read a bit and hope I don't fall asleep while doing so.
Talk to y'all later
Staples
Monday, September 12, 2011
I just wanted everyone to know...
That I am definitely NOT an alcoholic. However I really like alcohol! 
Evolution
I started this blog at the beginning of the year (January 2, to be precise). I think it is safe to say I've changed a lot in the past 8 months. If you notice, my profile is sporting a dandy new nick name (I'll explain later) and I've managed to broaden my horizons by quite a bit. Not everything that's happened has been good but all of it has made me a stronger, better person.
I guess I'll just start from the beginning!
On January 27th I reconnected with a kinky friend I had met via collarme a couple years ago. We'll call him tom. Tom and I went out for drinks, had a great time and went back to his house for some kinky fun. That night I was introduced to foot worship and needle play. Both were types of play I had been curious about but never tried. From then on tom and I grew very close. We became intimate play partners. A couple weeks after our initiial date, he introduced me to his local kink community. I instantly fell in love with the group. I had finally found a place to call "home". I connected with some amazing wonderful people.
For the next six months, tom and I would continue to enjoy each others company. We began exploring some edgier types of play including needles, blood, breathplay and most importantly staples. The first time we played with the staple gun he used it to staple my pussy closed. Oh my GOD it was sooo fucking hot. He proceded to text a picture of my stapled pussy to several members of our group and from then on I've been called staples. The name stuck so much that I even made that my fetlife handle.
I thought my relationship with him was moving forward nicely. We weren't seriously romantic or "in love" but the chemistry was there, I cared for him deeply, he called me his girlfriend often and I was under the impression that we were in a monogomous relationship.
Alas I was apparently wrong! Three or four months into our relationship an ex came back into his life. They were just friends and she was in a tough spot and he felt like he should help her out. She started staying with him and his family due to a lack of other living arrangements. Prior to her returning to his life he had confessed to me that sometimes he felt he still had feelings for her. I expressed my concern about the ex and my place in his life and he told me everything would be alright. My first clue that things weren't alright should have been when he told me that if he ever started dating someone else he would make sure that whoever he was dating knew that there had to be time for me in his life. However I ignored that comment as just his funny way of saying he cared. Anyway two months ago I was preparing to go see him and spend the weekend with him. We had plans to attend a party at a friends house. I hadn't seen him in nearly a month and I was so excited. I called to tell him I was on my way and I would meet him at his house but he told me he was already at the party. I thought nothing of it. I arrived at our friends house, passed around hugs, exchanged greetings and then set out to look for him. I couldn't find him so I asked our hostess where he was. He was outside so I sat on the couch to wait for him. Thankfully our hostess is an observant person. She slipped up and whispered in my ear "you know he's here with ______ right?" My heart instantly crumbled. I just looked at her kind of wide eyed, shook my head and said thanks for telling me.
I had to find an excuse to go out to my car or I was going to start bawling right there in front of my friends. I instantly called my mom and told her what was going on. I had driven two hours and was NOT about to just turn around go home. I was there to have a good time and visit friends. Mom helped me cheer up. I asked her to tell me a joke so I could walk back in the house laughing. I did my best to hold it together but in the end I had a really rough night.
Thankfully I had a great group of friends to surround me that night. He and his date left early at the request of the hostess and I proceeded to get insanely drunk. I cried, drank, laughed, cried, drank some more and finally puked my guts out. But it was on that incredibly horrible night that I realized that despite the fact that tom turned out to be a complete and utter jack ass he had give me a home that might not have otherwise found.
I haven't had to see tom since that night but I've managed to expand my horizons even more. I've tried fireplay, explored my bisexual sice, made some great friends and just Saturday night I was suspended for the first time and introduced to what electrical play feels like.
Last night I bought the supplies and an instruction manual to help me delve into the world of artistic needle play. I'm also purchasing my own staple gun since the one I was using belonged to my ex. Now, I just have to find some volunteers to explore it with me!
I'm sorry that a good partnership came to an end but I'm very glad that I am a part of a wonderful group of people that can love and accept both of us.
I have absolutely changed as a person. I'm evolving as a submissive/bottom and as a person in general.
I still have down days where I listen to depressing music, drink wine and cry about being alone but I always manage to find my smile again and I know that despite the fact that I go to sleep in an empty bed, I am definitely not completely alone. I have friends, family, and most of all God to support and love me.
I guess I'll just start from the beginning!
On January 27th I reconnected with a kinky friend I had met via collarme a couple years ago. We'll call him tom. Tom and I went out for drinks, had a great time and went back to his house for some kinky fun. That night I was introduced to foot worship and needle play. Both were types of play I had been curious about but never tried. From then on tom and I grew very close. We became intimate play partners. A couple weeks after our initiial date, he introduced me to his local kink community. I instantly fell in love with the group. I had finally found a place to call "home". I connected with some amazing wonderful people.
For the next six months, tom and I would continue to enjoy each others company. We began exploring some edgier types of play including needles, blood, breathplay and most importantly staples. The first time we played with the staple gun he used it to staple my pussy closed. Oh my GOD it was sooo fucking hot. He proceded to text a picture of my stapled pussy to several members of our group and from then on I've been called staples. The name stuck so much that I even made that my fetlife handle.
I thought my relationship with him was moving forward nicely. We weren't seriously romantic or "in love" but the chemistry was there, I cared for him deeply, he called me his girlfriend often and I was under the impression that we were in a monogomous relationship.
Alas I was apparently wrong! Three or four months into our relationship an ex came back into his life. They were just friends and she was in a tough spot and he felt like he should help her out. She started staying with him and his family due to a lack of other living arrangements. Prior to her returning to his life he had confessed to me that sometimes he felt he still had feelings for her. I expressed my concern about the ex and my place in his life and he told me everything would be alright. My first clue that things weren't alright should have been when he told me that if he ever started dating someone else he would make sure that whoever he was dating knew that there had to be time for me in his life. However I ignored that comment as just his funny way of saying he cared. Anyway two months ago I was preparing to go see him and spend the weekend with him. We had plans to attend a party at a friends house. I hadn't seen him in nearly a month and I was so excited. I called to tell him I was on my way and I would meet him at his house but he told me he was already at the party. I thought nothing of it. I arrived at our friends house, passed around hugs, exchanged greetings and then set out to look for him. I couldn't find him so I asked our hostess where he was. He was outside so I sat on the couch to wait for him. Thankfully our hostess is an observant person. She slipped up and whispered in my ear "you know he's here with ______ right?" My heart instantly crumbled. I just looked at her kind of wide eyed, shook my head and said thanks for telling me.
I had to find an excuse to go out to my car or I was going to start bawling right there in front of my friends. I instantly called my mom and told her what was going on. I had driven two hours and was NOT about to just turn around go home. I was there to have a good time and visit friends. Mom helped me cheer up. I asked her to tell me a joke so I could walk back in the house laughing. I did my best to hold it together but in the end I had a really rough night.
Thankfully I had a great group of friends to surround me that night. He and his date left early at the request of the hostess and I proceeded to get insanely drunk. I cried, drank, laughed, cried, drank some more and finally puked my guts out. But it was on that incredibly horrible night that I realized that despite the fact that tom turned out to be a complete and utter jack ass he had give me a home that might not have otherwise found.
I haven't had to see tom since that night but I've managed to expand my horizons even more. I've tried fireplay, explored my bisexual sice, made some great friends and just Saturday night I was suspended for the first time and introduced to what electrical play feels like.
Last night I bought the supplies and an instruction manual to help me delve into the world of artistic needle play. I'm also purchasing my own staple gun since the one I was using belonged to my ex. Now, I just have to find some volunteers to explore it with me!
I'm sorry that a good partnership came to an end but I'm very glad that I am a part of a wonderful group of people that can love and accept both of us.
I have absolutely changed as a person. I'm evolving as a submissive/bottom and as a person in general.
I still have down days where I listen to depressing music, drink wine and cry about being alone but I always manage to find my smile again and I know that despite the fact that I go to sleep in an empty bed, I am definitely not completely alone. I have friends, family, and most of all God to support and love me.
Checking the app
This is just me checking out the blogger app. Maybe since my iPhone is permanently attached to me I'll blog a little more frequently.
I suck....
At this whole keeping up with a blog thing. I've installed blogging apps on my phone and such so hopefully I will get better at it. A LOT has happened in my life since my last post so I'll have to catch you up on it soon.
For now I just wanted to report that I just purchased my first corset and I'm super excited about it! I also purchased two pairs of incredibly sexy penthouse heels. Yes, I was in a money spending mood today!
I'll post pictures as soon as they come in!
For now I just wanted to report that I just purchased my first corset and I'm super excited about it! I also purchased two pairs of incredibly sexy penthouse heels. Yes, I was in a money spending mood today!
I'll post pictures as soon as they come in!
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